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Cancer Queen

Cancer Queen

Miss Nikki gets real (funny) about the practical benefits of her mastectomy and Make-A-Wish Foundation.

This piece is an excerpt from Miss Nikki’s 2014 stand-up at Zanies Comedy Night Club in Chicago.

People don’t understand when you have a mastectomy, [a prosthesis] is a consolation prize, and unfortunately they didn’t get a good look at me because I’m a 42DDD. What the hell is this? It’s like that [phrase] “objects appear closer,” you know what I’m saying?

I’m an innovative woman, and I don’t like to carry a purse, so when the girls and I go out, I got everything in here. [Pulling objects out of her prosthesis]: I got the cellphone, I got the ID, I got my LINK Card. For the out-of-towners—these are food stamps. You never know, sometimes you gotta stop at 7/11 and get them hot chips. Y’all think this comedy shit pays, you know what I’m saying.

But I’m going to let y’all know something before you go. I am so mad. Y’all think I’m bullshitting about keeping stuff in here, I do! I brought this letter tonight because I wanted you all to hear this. Make-a-Wish Foundation turned me down! I’m going to read this to you; wait ’til you all hear this:

“Dear Miss Nikki, it is with our deepest regret we cannot fulfill your wish. We can’t allow you to have sexual intercourse with Dwayne Rock Johnson. It’s just not possible.”

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It’s my wish! The hell else am I supposed to request? But you know, I thought it was a scheduling issue, so then I asked for Gerard Butler! Y’all saw that sex scene in “300.” That didn’t happen in one take; we know this.

You know, I’m even willing to spend for the room. I’ll save up my disability check and get a hotel. Bring him; you know what I’m saying. So I wrote them back and told them that if Little Timmy wants to throw out the first pitch of the game—not until Mama gets a home run!

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