Cancer Queen
Miss Nikki gets real (funny) about the practical benefits of her mastectomy and Make-A-Wish Foundation.

This piece is an excerpt from Miss Nikki’s 2014 stand-up at Zanies Comedy Night Club in Chicago.

People don’t understand when you have a mastectomy, [a prosthesis] is a consolation prize, and unfortunately they didn’t get a good look at me because I’m a 42DDD. What the hell is this? It’s like that [phrase] “objects appear closer,” you know what I’m saying?

I’m an innovative woman, and I don’t like to carry a purse, so when the girls and I go out, I got everything in here. [Pulling objects out of her prosthesis]: I got the cellphone, I got the ID, I got my LINK Card. For the out-of-towners—these are food stamps. You never know, sometimes you gotta stop at 7/11 and get them hot chips. Y’all think this comedy shit pays, you know what I’m saying.

But I’m going to let y’all know something before you go. I am so mad. Y’all think I’m bullshitting about keeping stuff in here, I do! I brought this letter tonight because I wanted you all to hear this. Make-a-Wish Foundation turned me down! I’m going to read this to you; wait ’til you all hear this:

“Dear Miss Nikki, it is with our deepest regret we cannot fulfill your wish. We can’t allow you to have sexual intercourse with Dwayne Rock Johnson. It’s just not possible.”

It’s my wish! The hell else am I supposed to request? But you know, I thought it was a scheduling issue, so then I asked for Gerard Butler! Y’all saw that sex scene in “300.” That didn’t happen in one take; we know this.

You know, I’m even willing to spend for the room. I’ll save up my disability check and get a hotel. Bring him; you know what I’m saying. So I wrote them back and told them that if Little Timmy wants to throw out the first pitch of the game—not until Mama gets a home run!


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